A Runner's Guide To Injury Prevention

My first marathon is coming up in three weeks. I have learned valuable tips on injury prevention during my year of training:

1) If you call “vomiting” an injury, avoid speed work. “Speed work” is defined as a) driving to a high school track, b) running around it as fast as you can, then c) focusing every ounce of remaining energy on not launching your dinner onto another runner’s shoes.

2) Avoid running up or down hills. Should you attempt this, you will walk around for the next two days looking like someone dropped a bookshelf on your legs.

3) Don’t run in the heat. Your blood will thicken like maple syrup. Your legs will feel like cream cheese. Your family members will move to the opposite end of the house when you walk inside.

4) Keep bags of ice handy to apply to any sore spots. I go through ice as quickly as Snoop Dogg goes through expletives.

5) Eat healthy. I hear this is helpful, but don’t have any actual experience in this area. I maintain a steady diet of frozen pizzas, Hostess products, and cookies.

There is a vital truth I have come to realize during my marathon training: SOMETHING IS ALWAYS GOING TO HURT. ALWAYS. Trying to avoid pain is like trying to get some quiet time to go to the bathroom when a three year old is in the house – it’s just not going to happen.

So when the aches and pains come (which they definitely will), prop your feet up and eat enough Hostess products to make yourself sick. At least it will be your stomach hurting instead of your knees.